Smile, y'all...it's almost Hump Day!! :)

Smile, y'all...

I have a razor and I'm ready to go to town. What should I do with it?

I have a razor and I'm ready to go to town. What should I do with it?

Answer here

My wife says that she's feeling unfulfilled. I don't know why. I've given her everything she could ever want! She cooks, she cleans and once a week we lie together as husband and wife in sexual congress. What should I do?

Leave the Amish community?

I'm pimping out answers to deep philosophical questions...

I like my Charlie Sheen the way I like my eggs. How does that joke end again?

Hard scrambled, over easy, and slightly runny?

I'm pimping out answers to deep philosophical questions...

I heard that there's going to be a Cars 2? That sounds both interesting and dumb. Like an astronaut fish. What are some other things you can think of that are like this?

Charlie Sheen's Twitter account.

I'm pimping out answers to deep philosophical questions...

I'm not fat I'm just short.

There's no such thing as fat people. There are tall thin people, and there are short people who are thin but are just short and have nowhere to put it because we're short. If we short people were as tall as you, we'd be as thin as you. But we're not, so quit calling us fat. If you were as short as us, you'd be fat as us. So quit judging.


As for you tall fat people...you have no excuse, so stop whining. You're just fat.

Which brings me to my original point. I guess there is such a thing as fat people, just not fat short people. Short people are just too short. We can't help it.

P.S. The next time any of you see Randy Newman, please punch him in the nose and say it is from me. 

10 Things People Say to Themselves During a Snowstorm

1)  Will I be able to get to work tomorrow?

2)  Will my boss be mad if I don't go to work tomorrow?

3)  Will I lose my electricity and, if so, do I have backup heating capabilities?

4)  How much bacon do I have in the fridge?

5)  Are there any places within safe driving and/or walking distance that I can buy milk, bread and eggs?

6)  If I can't get out, will these batteries in my XBox remote last the duration?

7)  Is it safe to walk to Starbucks for a mocha latte?

8)  Seriously, do I have enough bacon?

9)  Is the snow clean enough to eat?

10)  I NEED TO BUY BACON!!!